I’ve always taken talking for granted. But not these days.. Talking has become painful not because I detest communication..talking is painful because I want to communicate… yet struggle to. It is hard to make my orders at a noisy hawker centre.. It is hard to meet up with old friends because there’s so much to catch up on, but I can’t keep up with the conversation. Whilst my colleagues interject brainstorming sessions with seamless thoughts and opinions, i shamelessly raise my hand to slow the pace because a point needs to be stated before the moment passes. Sometimes completing a sentence is like a marathon. It is much easier to have a conversation filled with one-word replies, but our patience may wear thin before I reach my 10th word.
I believe I am recovering.. But in the meantime i’d like to use this blog to capture a part of my thoughts and feelings. It is a way to communicate because I seek to be understood by my loved and close ones.
For close to 1.5 months, I have been battling with a throat problem which causes my voice to constrict when I need to project it. Try speaking with a tensed voice for 10 mins and you’d know why I talk less in open spaces these days. The ear nose throat specialist suspects that it is due to acid reflux, but I may need to get a second opinion. I’m hoping to find a speech therapist who can give me a more thorough diagnosis. The constriction worsens when I am tensed, stressed, excited or even when i am conscious of my voice. How do you forget something you’re continuously reminded of everyday? I face the voices in my head and the voices of worried friends and family members almost everyday. It is a battle of the mind. It is the battle of hope against fear. it is the battle of faith.
Sometimes I wonder if an undefiled heart will make me well. I wonder if this throat problem is a physical symptom of a deep-rooted problem. I wonder if God is more interested in fixing that part of my life. Sometimes I wonder if God wants to strengthen my faith in Him. Who do I trust when the storm hits home – my boat, the waves, my skills or the Boatman? Sometimes I wonder if God is using this to redirect my path.. Sometimes I wonder if deliverance will come…
But I never wonder about His presence.
I cry alone in the secret place (and in not so secret places when I cannot bear the sorrow), but He assures me no matter where I am.. through a song, a message, a book, a prayer or a friend. I am being comforted day and night..
He is the God of the mountains, He is the God of the valleys and today, He is the God of my battle.
