Whose battle is it anyway?

crysgoh — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 15:39:15 +0000

I’ve always taken talking for granted. But not these days.. Talking has become painful not because I detest communication..talking is painful because I want to communicate… yet struggle to. It is hard to make my orders at a noisy hawker centre.. It is hard to meet up with old friends because there’s so much to catch up on, but I can’t keep up with the conversation. Whilst my colleagues interject brainstorming sessions with seamless thoughts and opinions, i shamelessly raise my hand to slow the pace because a point needs to be stated before the moment passes. Sometimes completing a sentence is like a marathon. It is much easier to have a conversation filled with one-word replies, but our patience may wear thin before I reach my 10th word.

I believe I am recovering.. But in the meantime i’d like to use this blog to capture a part of my thoughts and feelings. It is a way to communicate because I seek to be understood by my loved and close ones.

For close to 1.5 months, I have been battling with a throat problem which causes my voice to constrict when I need to project it. Try speaking with a tensed voice for 10 mins and you’d know why I talk less in open spaces these days. The ear nose throat specialist suspects that it is due to acid reflux, but I may need to get a second opinion. I’m hoping to find a speech therapist who can give me a more thorough diagnosis. The constriction worsens when I am tensed, stressed, excited or even when i am conscious of my voice. How do you forget something you’re continuously reminded of everyday? I face the voices in my head and the voices of worried friends and family members almost everyday. It is a battle of the mind. It is the battle of hope against fear. it is the battle of faith.

Sometimes I wonder if an undefiled heart will make me well. I wonder if this throat problem is a physical symptom of a deep-rooted problem. I wonder if God is more interested in fixing that part of my life. Sometimes I wonder if God wants to strengthen my faith in Him. Who do I trust when the storm hits home – my boat, the waves, my skills or the Boatman? Sometimes I wonder if God is using this to redirect my path.. Sometimes I wonder if deliverance will come…

But I never wonder about His presence.
I cry alone in the secret place (and in not so secret places when I cannot bear the sorrow), but He assures me no matter where I am.. through a song, a message, a book, a prayer or a friend. I am being comforted day and night..

He is the God of the mountains, He is the God of the valleys and today, He is the God of my battle.

Crystal Goh

Whose battle is it anyway?